sometimes in life
why does it always seem that
when you get what you yearn
finally
you won't be happy at all...
i thought that i would be very happy
with the way i wanted things to be
but i realized that
dreamz aren't always beautiful in reality
let's take an example..
on my above cheemology...
many singles out there
will be yearning for a nice boyfriend or girlfriend
but when they found one
they will start to yearn for
Freedom!
well oh well,
if that's what you're given
be content with that...

spot one of my dears name in there
ta-dah...haha =) 

guess where this is? 

jian gui la! 

from top left clockwise
xian_mE_jas_vian 

amazed by the glass...BOO! 

me n vian________* 

woah.... 

vian vian n mE______-* 

w i s h e Xx______*

i'm finally 17! cheerXx..

birthday resolutionz?

i'll take this time to write about it..

cux maybe i won't have the chance in future..

well, this year...

1. i'll try to be nicer and not so mean

i know at times i'm very bad, but! sometimes i don't mean it =)

2. find someone who truely understands me

3. independent, mature young lady

4. do something which i never had the courage to do, say rather

5. move house!

6. someone offers me a scholarship

7. get someone who appreciates me, gives me all the freedom that i want and respect me..

a boyfriend? how bout a pink bear?

8. scuba dive!

9. eat eat eat!

10. do all the things i wanna do at one go!

11. freedom!

well, wishes are like dreamx

resolutions are courses of action determined or decided on

well, so it doesn't have to fulfilled, right?

i will try to..

but at times,

it takes two hands to clap..

ta-dah!

today is my last day of sixteen years old.
the day i have been waiting for
has finally arrived...
i should be happy that i am finally a year older..
the long awaited day!
HOWEVER!
i'm feeling very down now...
cux..my dear soon hui!
he said that after i am 17 years old,
he will be 18 in a month's time!
SHIT HIM!
and he promised me something
which i don't believe will happen...
but, i'll try to believe k?
he say at 12 midnight,
he will let fireworks..
saying " I LOVE U DEAR, MUACKS!"
well, prayXx it will happen!
somehow or what
i'm glad i'm here today..
=) kenny made my day!
thanks to all my dears and dearies!
esp les dear, yang wo de dear,
kenny dear...and lotXx more..
*muacksXx

don't you think the music in the background roCKXx!

THAT'S WHAT GIRLS DO

By: No Secrets

You ask me why

I change the color of my hair (yeah)

You ask me why

I need thirty two pairs of shoes (to wear)

You seem to ask me why I've got a lot of things

It's just a chick thing...

you ought to let it go

You try to understand

but you don't have a clue........

CHORUS

That's what girls do

Keep you guessing the whole day through

Play your emotions

push all your buttons it's true

That's what girls do

You ask me why

I gotta play so hard to get (yeah)

You ask me

do I play it cool just to make you sweat (yeah)
You want some kind of explanation I can give

It's just a chick thing...

that your messin' withto me

it's black and white

but it's not gettin' through to you......

CHORUS
BRIDGE

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why should I change

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah....

I'm havin', too much fun

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah....

to you it's confusing

to me it's nothing new

CHORUS

kenny png guo chen____* 

king kong in action__* 

let me tell LIM YIHONG something!

i have a place in KENNY PNG's heart!

but thanks guys, kenny and yihong..

kenny, my 'dear' and yihong, our beloved king kong!

can't believe you two just come down my house

then leave without even coming in...

*impressed

it must be kenny's idea!

cux yihong won't treat me that good!

wahaha...king kong..kai wan xiao!

although king kong always suan me,

he has been a great friend.

providing you the lame jokes and humour

whenever you needed them!

i know sometimes i very bad la..

but what are friends for? haha..

u bian shuai le la!

well, someone commented on that

but i agree with HER!

as for my dear kenny!

i'm glad that you weren't frightened off

by me throughout the 2 years..

missed those days in school!

where i will be arguing with catherine

over kenny!

thanks guys!

and kenny wrote something that really impressed me

with his CHINESE!

anyway..thankx guys..friends eva!

~~~~~~

如果要在我们的

这份爱加上一个

- expiry date -

我希望是

八万八千八百八十八年

~~~~~~

check out my engagement ring..*muackXx
love lessy dear! wahaha 

imagine this scenario..

2 males and 2 females enter the toilet at the same time.

who will come out of the toilet first?

well, i believe most of you guys find this scenario familiar.

and your first response will be..

the males will be out first!

but hello?!

i came out of the toilet earlier than my male friends..

today..for the first time!

amazing? i'm amazed!

----------*

had a wonderful day today..

brings back those old days...

people do change!

people change.
i changed. so have you.
along the path of growing up,
there might be too many changes..
dramatic or tremendous until we can't bring ourselves to face them.
especially if your loved ones, those who love you
did a hundred and eighty degress change.
take a look at the people around you
you may have seen them yesterday
but there are bound to be changes in them
be it mediocre or extreme.
those who were once your friends
might be backstabbing you this very moment.
those who you once never enjoyed being with
might be helping you out of the shit you are in.
sometimes i wonder why we are human beings.
being one is so tough.
what will you do if the one you once loved
changed...changed into someone
who is extremely atrocious?
what if one day the one you love
betrays you?
if something like this is going to happen on me now.
i doubt i have the confidence or courage to go on.
but such things always happen.
what can i say? pray hard then...

i went down to ngee ann not long ago
to submit my appeal of resumption in school
hope that they'll approve...
*cross fingers
well, i chatted with wanyi last night!
she still as naive and innocent as ever..
haha..got cheated by me still dunno!
to those gals, 26th Dec is a special day!
u gals better remember if not i'll kill all of you!
cux even our blur wanyi remembers lo!
5pm at the merlion situated at the esplanade..
all must dress nice nice then we take pictures ok?
i've been staying at home these days..
well, to be exact about 2 days
i'm engrossed in sims2
cux i'm rather fascinated at how they make out
and wohoo!
today, i shall finish watching the vcd and pack my earrings and necklaces!
and tomorrow i shall go shopping alone!
since no one is available!
i need to get the shoes, top..
and maybe a sling bag for school!
and some things that makes me look like a schoolgirl!
well, my brother claims that i am ageing..
hello?!
i'm not even 17 ok?
i'm still 16!

kites flying

fly kite, fly kite,

all the rest can go

fly kite!

**********

we were supposed to fly kites today.

but somehow or what, it was cancelled.

when was the last time i flew a kite?

well, i love flying kites!

and someone just challenged to

buy my over by flying kites, eating ice cream and talking under the clouds

on the big big green green field..

well, to that person:

u'll never succeed!

cuz everytime i'm supposed to fly kites, it'll rain!

i still remember

that time i was with a friend

everytime we try to fly kites together,

it'll rain!

how obedient can the weather be?

i just ended a conversation with him,

half an hour ago.

seems to me that he is looking forward

to work and getting into NS.

he gave me a clear vision of

where i am heading in life.

i just love talking to him,

he may always give me that

"i can't be bothered with you" attitude.

but deep down i know he has

always been the friend who pops by

whenever i need someone.

perhaps that's telepathy...

he doesn't give me any comments

in whatever decisions i make.

just being there to listen

and giving me the type of tone

"don't regret k?"

that's all...

he's the only one now who doesn't

doubt what i am doing

and he's absolutely confident that i'll be fine alone...

*some things are better left unsaid..forever

----------

i went to check out my youngest brother campfire night today.

i missed those campfire days!

in river valley.

we always get to perform and see others dance

missed those guiding days!

and the fire, singings, cheerings, flirting?

well, primary school campfires

are simply childish!

those who attended campfires quite often

won't like their style of campfiring...

i really miss all the fun and laughters!

my brother just told my mum

that he would like to call himself

harry dick!

and my mum said it seems nice and easy to remember..

well, imgaine her face if she realizes the meaning behind it..

i was reading xiang's blog when i came across this questionaire.
seemed rather interesting =P
cuz i haven been doing such things
for a long long time..ta-dah?!

B A S I C Q U E S T I O N S...
[my name is]: xinyan aka yan zai aka dear arh aka too many to be listed..latest..OiNkZ
[in the morning i am]: wondering what i will be doing today
[all i need is]: freedom!
[love is]: when 2 ppl who are fated to be together, meet and never let each other go!
[im afraid of]: being rejected
[i dream about]: being a tai tai who is a career lady!


H A V E Y O U E V E R . .
[pictured your crush naked?]: wahahaha..how many of u dun fantasize?!
[actually seen ur crush naked]: half naked!
[been in love]: whats the definition of love?
[drank alcohol]: yupXx


T H I S O R T H A T . .
[coke or pepsi]: coke
[flowers or candy]: i used to love candies..but i luurve flowers noW! cuz i was a gal but i'm a lady now!


W I T H T H E O P P O S I T E S E X . . .
[what do u notice first?]: smile
[last person u slow danced with]: pink bear? white bear?
[worst thing to say]: whatever...shit hiM!
[scruff or clean shaven]: clean shaven
[tall or short]: taller than me..wahaha


W H O . .
[makes u laugh the most?]: muacksbaby! but i missed those days with sincere laughters..[makes you smile]: **r**
[gives u a funny feeling when u see them]: ppl whom i cant communicate with
[has a crush on u?]: wahaha..lotXx..pink bear...white bear..purple bear..how bout u?
[easier to talk to: boys or girls?]: boys! i hate gals at timeXx


D O Y O U E V E R . . .
[sit on the internet all day waiting for someone special to Msg u?]: ya..it's worth all the wait[save aol/aim conversations]: all of them..can track back time...haha
[cried because of someone saying something to u]: ya..of cux..=(


H A V E Y O U E V E R . . .
[fallen for ur best friend]: well, so what? but some things are better left unsaid..am i right?
[been rejected]: well, rejected..is a break up considered a rejection?
[rejected someone]: what can i say?
[used someone]: i'm a bad gal, at times, it cant be helped..sorry
[been cheated on]: shit the person!
[done something u regret]: ya..regret for life!


W H O W A S T H E L A S T P E R S O N . .
[u talked to]: xuezhen
[hugged]: my xiao di di..
[u instant messaged]: jasline
[u laughed with]: jasline's mummy!


D O Y O U . .
[color your hair]: ya..but its fading!
[habla espanol]: whats that huh?!


H A V E Y O U / / D O Y O U / / A R E Y O U
[smoke]: nope..never will..
[obsessive]: at times when i'm throwing tantrums
[could u live without the computer?]: NO! unless i'm living near the beach!
[how many peeps are on ur buddylist?]: haha..i really have no idea
[what's your favorite food?]: ice cream waffles! pasta!
[What's ur favorite drink?]: hazelnut latte..
[what's ur favorite fruit?]: strawberries
[think emotional pain is worse than physical?]: emotional
[trust others way too easily?]: nope..


F I N A L Q U E S T I O N S . .
[i want]: to get back my freedom!
[i wish]: i could just move out and live alone!
[i love]: myself!
[i miss]: my frenXx..*muackXx...and of cux him! soon, u'll be freed! yeah!
[i fear]: being forgotten
[i hear]: someone crying
[i wonder]: if we could ever be together..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

this questionair are courtcey of Viet aka johnnieblazze

this was my first skin..
i placed it back cuz many people preferred the sad music
and the teary baby face...
the thought of it makes me angry
i have no idea why?
when i am sad,
ppl complain i should not be depressed!
when i am happy,
they say i am noisy!
anyway i like this skin better..
suits me better...
yuan nu ar!
check the skin i had before and after this!

 

to all 4/4rianXx
in case you guys don't know
we are offically divorced
wahahaha
see ya guys soon! *muackXx esp my CHOK! and zhizhong! 

i made a trip down to ngee ann today
to enquire about my modules.
it was just a bus trip down the road
but i'm feeling damn exhausted now!
maybe cuz i'm getting old...
well, feeling very depressed now too.
menopause? PMS?
that's not the point i guess.
i'm just feelind down and lost.
stranded on an island where nobody understands me at all.
they just only know how to comment.
i know that at times,
you guys are just concerned
but can you just kindly understand my thoughts
my situation, my worries, my fears first
before jumping to any conclusions?
i am 17 years old..no..16 to be exact
and i believe i am responsible for any decisions i make.
i dun need a boyfriend
i dun need to take up a new course
i just want to do the things that i want to do
even though i know its all impossible now!
maybe it's the emotional barrier that
i can't walk out.
it kinds of bothers me but well,
i just shut up!
we'll see how it goes.
and the worst part is that,
i feel that the whole world is having this attitude problem
and its freaking me out!
or perhaps i am the one being attitude?
i shall try to keep my cool next wk..
cuz A levels are ending! =P
to...i know you are busy mugging now.
but i guess our telepathy works.
and i got a feeling i'll be receiving your sms 's this weekend
and i have that feeling that i will be meeting you next weekened.
okieXx well, i am not alone
but i am feeling very miserable and lonely!
don't ask me why,
i'm just entering depression state!
i'm being contradicting,
i really feel like studying
but i just don't have that urge or motivation to keep me going
the kind of feeling which i used to have..
you know that kind...yeah! i can go to sch and have fun again!
i'll think about it again
after thinking for days and weeks.
i know i am stubborn but so are you guys!
so stop nagging at me
and stop commenting about me..
points taken so just give me a break ya?
stop insisting that i am stubborn
and stop nagging!
i know what i am doing and i will be responsible for my own actions ya??
i'll make my own decisions at the end of the day.
i always did...
but for now, i'll accompany my pink bear!

it feels like shit!
to be left alone!
ALONE!
let me tell you why...
my friends are so busy with their lives..
how sad..
those who are working are working
those who are camping are camping
those who are studying are studying
those who are entertaining their bfs are entertaining their bfs..
well, where's my pink bear by the way?
its okay, its alright...
i still have my white bear!

solitude

well, i went out with one of my dears today!
my yang wo de!
havent seen him for months since graduation!
he hasnt changed much though,
still as childish and trying to be a responsible guy...
i discovered something BIG!
kenny and soon hui are primary school mates!
OMG, i was so fascinated.
this makes the relationship complicated..
*pondering
i'm feeling very attitude now
my mum is also being attitude now
my dad is also being very attitude
and my youngest brother is also feeling damn attitude
guess what?
i broke his spectacles, or should i put it this way...
i broke his spectacles INDIRECTLY!
well, i shall shut up for now!
i'm bored! i dun wanna be independent!

Lunch Actually

i was reading this article from
lian he zao bao yesterday.
it's about modern age matchmaking sessions.
oh well, matchmaking?
how many of you out there are willing to attend matchmaking sessions.
to me, matchmaking!
must be those people with bad habits
and irritating faces who are not presentable
at all!
maybe someone like the old uncle who frequents
Geylang like how you uses the toilet?
well, i've never tried matchmaking personally.
so if anyone is going to sign up for matchmaking,
ask me along, sounds interesting!
okie..back to the article
its about this reporter who disguises as someone who
is going matchmaking.
the matchmaking session is made by this company called
LUNCH ACTUALLY!
it's kind of sweet to have such a name..
i wonder if the boss met his or her partner
under matchmaking sessions
maybe i should invest a new company in future,
called -- SEX ACTUALLY!
idea! anyone wanna invests too?
back..and the one she's matchmaking is a guy
by the name of--
David, 29 years old, accountant
based on the comments from the reporter,
David looks pleasant and presentable
and guess what?
such a quiet guy, whom i suspect maybe an introvert
has matchmade for 23 times
but has not found his "THE ONE"
i'm quite surprised!
well, he claims that the feeling is not right..
okie...let's take it that the feeling is not right!
but let us take a look at his expectations from "HIS ONE"!
1) a simple girl who doesnt have high expectations in guys, not ambitious and career minded
well, who does he think he is? you have expectations from others why cant people have expectations from you? ambitious! career-minded! how many singaporeans are not?
2) kan de shun yan ( how do i define that? pleasant looking?)
i believe that out of the 23 gals you met, at least 20 are! mabye his definition of pleasant looking might be that of miss singapore.
3) preferably an undergraduate
this David is very contradictiong! he wants a university student, yet expecting her not the be ambitious and career minded..HELLO?!
4) quiet yet bubbly at times..preferably those who do sports
well, what elso do you want?
5) someone who loves shopping! and knows how to dress up!
like shit! by that time if she starts squandering your money on shopping sprees, u'll be screaming away!
6) smaller size than him
take a look at all his expectations!
and he claims that he wants to start a family by 35 years old?
seems hard...or rather IMPOSSIBLE to me!
there was once his buddy introduced a very nice lady to him
but there was no conclusion in the end.
guess what? he claims that the lady is slightly plump!
pengZx!
who does he think he is? looking for such a perfect lady!
does he have the rights?
maybe if he is beckam or tom cruise!
or even george bush!
then he has the rights to choose!
but he is just another plain ordinary singaporean guy!
and he still claims that the feeling is not right!
when he is basically finding faults physically and materialistically from those very nice ladies!
but i cant blame him!
for guyS! it's always lust at first sight!
oh well, i shouldn't be commenting on him!
but hello!
please lower your expectations!
dun wei nan zi ji!

d.r.e.a.m.s.

what are dreams without love?
after thinking about it for days.
i began to doubt my principle that,
LOVE DOESNT MAKES THE WORLD GOES ROUND.
well, i really have no idea where i am heading in life.
i'm leaving behind my studies, idling
and trying my very best to squander my money and time.
so that finally, i'll be too broke
to be enjoying life and hence begging to be back in school.
sadly, money spent can be earned.
time wasted but the future awaits you.
however it's kinda contradicting!
cuz you'll be frowning when
you have just shillings in your pockets.
time? well, time and tide waits for no man!
so what am i supposed to do?
go shopping and chilling out at cafes all alone?
again?
i can see myself strolling down the streets of town
going down to holland v
and locking myself inside my room once again.
just like how i spent my first 7mths this year
when all of them are happily stuggling in JC.
soon, poly will start and all JC students will be busily preparing their a levels!
here i am again!
waking up to every wonderful morning,
wondering where i will be that particular day!
back to that question..
what are dreams without love?
am i obliged to answer such a cheemology question?
dreams without love are just plain dreams.
i prefer the word lone to love ok?
love..
i thought seventeen year old girls should be happily
looking forward to prince charmings.
oh well, i suddenly realized that i have no interests in guys.
(to those very ba gua frenxx)
so give me a break and shut up!
dreams without love are just dreams.
who says you need someone to love you
to keep your life going.
who says you need a boyfriend to be entertained?
what's your definition of boyfriends by the way?
i love you, you love me..
happily meeting each other every weekend,
hold hands, watch movies, kisses and hugs
then sweet talking every night,
sending each other sweet nothings
and feel hurt when you guys break up.
oh well, a boyfriend might also be someone you can talk to
a confidante?
but friends can be confidantes too.
but, i'm contradicting myself again!
friends can never be confidantes?
i have no idea why there are so many people in this world
who just bottles up everything
and keeps to themselves
when they actually have friends to speak to..
that's life...
just wanna tell you that,
without love, i can still jolly well be happy.
perhaps i'm too used to being independent.
i don't really need someone to be by my side every minute,
every second, showering me with care and concern
all the time.
i prefer freedom then being tied down.
maybe if you have known me years ago..
i might be different.
but for now, i don't need love.
i just need me to love myself, not yours.
but thanks for being there for me, all these while.
i'm grateful that i met you.
i agree with you that,
dreams require love.
but for now,
i just want to be alone.
sorry...

Love doesnt makes the world goes round.

but...

What are dreams without love?

are dreams and love interconnected?

we went vivian's house today.
to celebrate her 17th birthday.
well, sad to say.
i've been down in my luck recently...
like shit! i only won one round of mahjong!
haiXx =(
i've been spending this whole week with muacksbaby.
and i have a feeling i will be meeting them soon for KTV!
not bad! i love being with them and my dears.
cux i can rot!
like shit!
check out the pics below!
birthday girl with her cake! *muackXx

HAPPY BIRTHDAY VIVIAN! *muackXx 

thats her cake! 

dun touch with ur dirty hands! 

act cute lo! 

i'm so happy..muackXxbaby came today! 

yumXx 

the cake's gone...too bad! 

well oh well,

chalet was fun.

cuZ i met shu nan, yihong, tzesiang

and not forgetting my dear kenny!

i still remembered the days i went "crazy" over him..

missed those days we spent in NCC and Guides...

all those crap and stuffs..

muacksbaby..as usual..was fun!

of cuX they are!

all nice galxx..

and i have no idea why the 6 of us are called

- muacksbaby

i thought that was supposed to be my ID???

today's Deepavali and SOMEONE ELSE's birthday

but i just simply cant remember whose it is..

haha..*oUch

someone hit my head and raped my PINK BEAR!

vivian! please grow up!

ya officially 17! *muackXx

find ur prince charming soon and keep ur hands of my PINK BEAR!

boo! love you galXx...

see ya later..*muackXx

pS: dear les aR..next wk go out kk..muackXx

met the girlXx on saturday night to have dinner.
it was a nice one.
full of laughters and crap.
it was supposed to be muacksbaby gathering.
but somehow or what, there was a pink bear craze going on...
haha..check out the piXx..there are more to come..
u know why?
cuZ there's a chalet today..
see ya galXx soon..
loved all the crap!
dun snatch my tan de de, k?
promise?

liu jie mei__where's the 7th one? 

the proposal...AWww...how romanticXx! 

soft toy's gathering..HIHI! 

I KNOW I'M SHORT...SHUT UP..WAHAHA