I woke up feeling depressed today. I wonder why men are so vulnerable. Or I'm the only vulnerable one?

The Great Depression.

Reminds me of Mrs Fong with that bob hairstyle. I even remembered she made me, Jasline and Vivian (if I never remembered wrongly) run the whole level cause we were caught sleeping during her class.Oh man, it was fun though. At least it's perhaps one of the memories I ever collected that recorded I was being punished. I'm afterall a good student who just only and always flunks her tests and papers in school. I hate Chinese even though i can speak and write fluently in that language. And I hate Physics even though I just love the way how Pandian labelled us as the 'Girl Gang'.

I love my school. I love my friends. I love everything about Nan Hua except those irritating exams. And I hated the fact that I got an A2 for my mother tongue and from Madam Yong's point of view, considered as ATROCIOUS!

I realized that when I'm feeling depressed, I will never fail to reminisce about my past.

I'm just afraid I'll lose my balance while either strolling or rushing cross that shaky path to what future awaits for me.Everything just seems so far away. Just like how JH phrases it, he'll never understand me. And like how I phrase it, I don't even understand myself, how the hell will he or even anyone understand me.

That's why I love mirrors. To smile at my image, to cry with my image, to complain to my image, to share practically everything with her. Just to find out what's wrong with me.

Here I am typing out my thoughts when something caught my interest. A notebook of literature works.

Poetry! Anyone interested? I'm not a humans or arts person. But I guess my brother is. I browsed through it and in fact started reading them. As a matter of factly, romance was the theme for this book I've got in my hands.

- Cold - credits to bro.

She is gone; as of the grandeur of the majestic mountains,
The fountains and streams lay still,
as a dark mask hung
in the cold bright sky.

As the sunbeams kiss the earth,
I sat quietly
Pondering how I can no longer soar.
As I sing in solitude,
What for the moonbeams caress the lands?

If she kiss me not.

All but illusion,
I tried to cross the paths into your heart.
Never did i realise
How windy,
How frosty,
How icy,

But I will still try.

Unlock my heart,
Unlock that path.

Hmm...

I've always taught my brother to be aware of girls, especially materialistic girls. And of course, girls who are damn realistic. But somehow he fell in love with one or the other, and ended up hurt?

For you information, his favourite track on the move is still James Blunt's 'You're Beautiful' . What the fcuk! I'm getting sick of that song.

But I understand. I've been through that stage of life and I just hate reminiscing all that cause what I did, or all of us did was simply foolish. C H I L D I S H !

I guess it's really all but an illusion for all of us. We were once blinded by our delusions. Yet, we are still blinded by 'em today. I guess I'm in no rights to question anyone else. Cause perhaps, who knows one of these days, I might be one of those stupid idiots.

So ya trying to tell me that she's happy that he broke up with xxx but she's no longer interested in him and you wish badly that your crush will break up with his girlfriend when you're no longer interested in him and I want so badly for him to spill his confessions yet I'm really no longer interested in him?

The thought of what I said makes me laugh. The thought of how contradicting the 3 of us makes me wonder we always try to hide the truth yet we could even see through what's on our minds.

I'm neither seventeen nor eighteen. I'm still in my teens. I still have my rights to throw tantrums and of course be childish.

I miss muacksbaby. I miss si jie mei. I miss shan and guides. I miss nan hua peeps. I miss tb12. I miss 4/4. I miss nhss graduating batch of 03. I miss OLH. I miss swimmies. I miss my primary peeps. I miss my dear soon hui. I miss that fickle JH. I miss rebz , jie, ting. I miss my nudgejiemei. I miss my shi qing hua yi partner. I miss my kenny. I miss my animal family. I miss my tutukueh family. I miss the Physics Frog. I miss my attractive shit. I miss...I miss...I miss...xxx.

We fight for our dreams and ambitions

rights and opportunities
fame and status
love and friendship

We wait aimlessy for that wilted flower to bloom once again

for that call that we know deep down will never exist
for time to turn back
for miracles to happen

We live in happiness

in tears
in fear
in regrets

My hatred for this realistic world and society is gradually budding inside. How nice it would be if I could be like how Vivian describes herself. She's falling, falling helplessly like how Alice fell into Wonderland. I guess I'm better off in Wonderland. Or even better if I knew Peter Pan. Perhaps he can fly me to never-grow-up Dreamland, back to those days when I was still young and innocent. Tender to this crude and mean world. Unaware of the dark side of men. Yet, curiosity might conquer me like how it conquered Eve. History will re-live itself then.

It was never a crime to make yourself sleep the time away. But it's perhaps a sin. Just like how my Dad phrases it, it's just trying hard to escape from the truth. Yet, truth will unveil himself at the end of the day. And there's no point in staring at that phone screen when words of what you long after will never ever flash over it.

They never realized how they never understood her. It's just those assumptions that everyone entrusted her to. Those who understood never stayed long. Many things went beyond control then.

Moments of spite. Moments of temptations.

She once believed that we are the carvers of our lives but now she placed herself in the hands of fate. Fate never knew how cruel he was to her. He never knew how bad he was. If there was a price to pay for all those wonderful blessings. She would perhaps wished she wasn't born into this family. Cause all she wanted was just peace.

Many things in life are pre-destined. Is it true that no matter how unfair the world is, God will be fair to all of us?

I still believe so.

Today might be more than just another day if we live each day with the brightest smile.

And perhaps one day, we might find out what we are looking for in life.Yet once again, we have to wait aimlessy for neither any of us knows what future lies ahead of us.

Coz time will pass me by
Maybe i'll never learn to smile
But I know I'll make it through
If you wait for me...
-- Will you wait for me by Kavana

This entry is specially dedicated for muacksbaby:-
Jasline, Lixian, Xuezhen, Vivian & Stephanie

I never expected this term muacksbaby will in fact symbolize the 6 of us...
I guess there won't be a 7th party that will truely understand this entry either...

Thanks muacksbaby for that photo album!

Big project done together once again since graduation.
It's nicely done up and well, we can actually set up an agent in future to organize events and come up with stupid crazy ideasas well as wonderful presents for friends =)

Come to think of it, it's soon to be 6 years of knowing you girls.
We've shared many virgin experiences through these flashy 6 years.

From getting into the first girls' class ever to
realizing how cramps gonna destroy your day to
falling in and out of love with YEO's Lemon Barley to
how one of us actually came across a flasher while crossing the overheadbridge innocently!
*chuckles

anyone wanna have HOTDOGS?

I guess all of us will never forgot those days we had together in that notorious girls' class.
Especially Liu Lao Shi's FA GAO and her armpit hair?
(i guess that's supposed to be kept within 4 walls)

Streaming took Si Jie Mei away from Xian and Xue
but well, I'm glad all of us made an effort to settle at the Quadrangle every morning
to update on gossips and the latest talks.
And the Kuantan Trip was perhaps one of the best get-away for us
while struggling in Upper Sec.

I shall give Bob some credit for this since he was the main actor out of it.
- The Marriage Overseas
But it was really a cool trip for all of us, the biggest clique of all that went to Kuantan
with Khoo Bong Chee.

It's soon to be 2 years ever since we graduated from that CHEENA school
with SHORT hair and well
the 6 of us are definitely better than "Wang Xing Ling"
and just like what Vian says, we're "Fiona Xies"

oh man, I'm not the meanie
but Friendster's the mastermind behind all those evil mouthings.

We are as innocent as we look.
And as innocent as we are named.

Poodle, Bai Gu Jing, Bao Cai, Bao Bei, Bulldog, Sao Bao
*winks


To my dearest lesbian dear:-
I'm glad that there's someone like you on this Earth.
Someone to talk to, to bitch about everything.
In fact I miss those days in guides with you and Shan.
And those letter writing days...
I'm just amazed at how much we can write and chat
since we meet everyday in school.
Thanks for being there and helping me whenever I need help.
I'm sorry for those PMS times whereby I simply piss you off
but thank god that eventually we're still friends of all.
This will be your final year of stress cause the end of 'A' levels
marks the revival of that chatty, cheery Jasline back those years.
I'm looking forward to it. Hahas.
Study well but dun push yourself too hard.
I believe that you'll do just fine for your 'A's.
Wishing that all your wishes may come true and
no matter what the future awaits for the both of us.
I'll never forgo our friendship.
Even though Kenny loves me, I'll still love you the same.
And I'll still love you no matter how hard your future boyfriend shall snatch you away.
*hugx


To Xian:-
What can I say? Thanks for that effort you placed in the album, ya?
And continue enjoying the letters we wrote. Hahas.
Come to think of it, how childish we were then.
But well, that's how our friendship came about.
Stay Blissful and let's form a stress-free society.
Give yourself a break la. You look so stress.
I'm sure the 'A's won't be a problem for you. =)


To Xue:-
Seriously Tessa's a nice name.
And I'm so happy for you that you've evolved from bao cai to...
shall we find a new nick for you?Hahas.
You've been a great pal with a nice listening ear.
And I would say the calmest and gentlest of us all.
Must stay happy always and believe in youself k?
You can always call me anytime since I'm so free.
All the best in your 'A's ya? *muacks


To Vian:-
Oh man, SHI NIAN PENG YOU! In fact, times flies ya?
It's really beyond my expectations that after all these years,
both of us are still back as the bestest buddies.
From school bus buddies till you moved house and wow
we're muackiebabes!
It's pretty amazing how fate brought the both of us together!
Future Fiona Xie sia...LOL!
Mug hard la...Don't always think of spending money!
Save money la! You're such a bad influence man!
Hahas. But I just love it. =P


To Steph:-
Up till date, you still look innocent
but we know deep down inside, you're still violent.
Hahas. Was it you who had a pic taken with a knife in your hands?
Oh man, you're still as full of drive as ever
but what I love most is that violence hidden in you!
PE t-shirts fights will never be the same without you and poodle.
Remember never to indulge in camelling, ok?
Stay funky and pretty ya...
*chuckles

Just like that song we once chorused

"I would always love you
I would always stay true
There's no one who loves you like I do
This I promise
I will never leave you
I will stay here with you
Through the good and bad
I will Stand true
Hold me closer"
-In Love with You

Jiu de bu qu, Xin de bu lai.
But as new friends passes by,the roots of our friendship strengthens deeper.

One Chapter may have closed for this album.
But there are many chapters waiting to be created.
And I believe muacksbaby's spirit will brave through those awaiting chapters
be it good or bad...

It's just like what Si Jie Mei's motto's all about:-

OHANA
means family.
It means no one gets left behind or forgotten.
*huggies

it's just amazing the way my instincts work

it happened the way i expected it to be

it once again confirmed the suspection i once had

as a matter of factly
till date has became the cause of my dilemma

it's the way i wanted it to be
but somehow the supporting factors weren't agreeable
with the way how things were progressing

perhaps jealousy's corroding away that confidence i once had

that trust i once placed

i was just pursuing after that little ego left in vision
since there's no returning back of those years

i'm not asking for more
neither am i trying to place you down

i'm contented with the way things are right now

it's sad to see how truth draws the distance apart from us

but it's always the truth that leaves all of us in a dilemma

so isn't it better for me to just make a choice out of it
instead of pondering over repeated arguments

i don't see any point behind those queries

i just want things the way they are now

or were in the past

be it good or bad

i just hope i get your deepest understanding, ok?