Tuesday, October 25, 2005
There's no wonder as to why women are described as temperamental as the weather.I'm feeling so much better today. In fact, happy.
I guess at times people and things that we once took so little of might be that one special factor which brightens you up when ya down.
i was here at 20:28
Monday, October 24, 2005
Behind every smile, there's always a tear.Behind every joy, there's always a sorrow.
Behind the rain, there'll always be sunshine.
But it's not the rain. Because I didn't felt any better when the sun welcomed me into his arms the very next day.
I was the one in control of my mood. Maybe time and distant added on to the factors. And that nightmare that once hauntedme revived itself, again. I always placed my fate in the hands of my instincts. That nightmare haunted me for the past week and true enoughit was really back, not only haunting my nights but my sandcastles in the day.
The past episodes have ended long ago and I couldn't recall when the last one was closed. It wasn't erased from my registry. That intractable past just remained there and time couldn't just swept it away.
I just chose to leave it behind that vivid memories of mine. Is your return gonna mark the 4th episode that's going to tempt the both of us for more no matter how intellectual we try to stay? Is history going to repeat itself all over again? Are we going to tell the truth? Or just hide it all away? I guess no one this earth knew what went on between the both of us. Just you and me. The secret was well kept, locked up in those dates that we shared. Why was it that we tried so hard to keep that we shared a secret? Why is that after 2 years we still kept it ongoing yet still so afraid of telling? Was what we shared that shameful that lowly that we had to keep mum all about it in public? And it kept haunting me all these while.
All I could do was just fake a hi whenever we met. No matter we are. Be it total strangers or just simply friends. We can neverstand together under the light, could we? Was it that excitement that kept us getting back together? And the very next day, we wake up to a brand new day, the same old brand new routine, carrying that little guilt that's always hiding in the small dark corner.
Maybe I was just the only one feeling all these shit. And you just shook the responsibility of guilt off to me. To carry that burden we planted all ALONE! And I just couldn't tell but accepting what my stupidity and saturn of thrill had landed me in. But NO, I'm not going to have it start all over again.
I'm just still going to be that realistic girl even if it's just on the surface. I learnt it the hard way to never get that far. Whoever said that before, I agree withher totally. Absofuckinlutely. Cause there's no future. Why am I trying to be so hard not to tell? Once bitten, twice shy. Hence, I shall be shy and be good. And NEVER EVER again, will I cross that line. Or so I swear. We both had enough of it, haven't we? I really don't wanna live a life with fear that someone could just see through that secret. Cause I'm starting to realize that our circles have indeed caught up with one another, And it's never easy for 2 closely connected lives to keep a dirty laundry. It'll ruin both of us.
I didn't tell him the truth. In fact I kept it all away from him, because I knew he wasn't pretty supportive from the start. And he would flew in a rage if I was to tell him that we had it ongoing all along. Yet I wasn't that resolved to say NO. You always had a way. And you knew it well. Maybe we had too much in common. Too much hence losing control of the rules set for us.
The game's over. Not just the season. But the game of love, lust, revenge, bungee is officialy over. Please. I still ain't able to say it straight into you but I know you'll understand. I just know. But up till this point in life when I could just say it all out from my heart, I guess I've surpassed another stage. But yet another.
And if it wasn't that decision I made in abrupt, matters perhaps, wouldn't be that complicated. Promise the cycle's never gonna make a big round over to us again.
I'm still trying to deal with that hurdle inside me. Hurdles that came about with the growing factors of time and distance. That no one understood how i felt. Some things are just beyond what I could do, yet no one seems to be able to see that. Not even the closest friends of mine.
Friends are perhaps just people to share your joy with, never that deep struggle you have. As selfish as I am, I tried but it never ever turned out well. And I had to fake it all out to keep things seemingly perfect.
Yet it never occur to those around me that, nothing is ever perfect.
i was here at 22:53
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Wellas.I managed to surf blogs today, surprisingly! And I read vian's and guess what!!!
Cranky nuns Do HAVE telepathies!
BOTH OF US HAS THE SAME NECKLACE! OMG!!!
and perhaps one day steph and jasline might just come across our necklaces and say
I HAVE THAT TOO!
isn't that just dooly amazing? gosh!
i simply love em!
and tomorrow I'm getting my software delivered! cause they have 2 singaporeans coming along tomorrow and hopefully they are young!
tralala!!!!
I LOVE MYSELF!
i was here at 21:09
Throwing little tantrums to make myself feel better about some people.
Lols. It's not about you Leon. I miss Tb12 too! Especially us with Sunny dude. And so much more stuffs. Porn at the atrium? Heehee.
Catch up with you guys at geylang soon. =)
I was feeling so happy today. The toshi guy made my day! But it was ruined once again at night. To hell with it. Back to my toshi.
Down with a crashed notebook, I decided to call the international toshi customer service. I made 3 calls. The first time, the operator was some china man and I could never ever understand why china people they are so unprofessional at times. Especially the area I am in. Pisses me off at times but that wasn't the point. Next call, I decided to try the English version of the call. Somehow I felt that the operator lady was from Africa. Don't ask me why. I just felt it was Africa. I got her message across somehow but well, I still wanted to get myself another warranty. So I made another call. This time I pressed for Chinese again.
xxx: Wei Ni Hao!
me: hello!
I held back my urge to freak out again since I could sense that cheena accent in him. I was telling him the problems I was facing and I got rather pissed off when I was facing some technical terms which I had no idea how to translate into chinese. Blame it on my secondary school chinese teachers. I learnt nothing from chinese except fa gao, which I felt at that point in time. So I decided to do myself a favour by asking him in english, -
Do you speak english?
Guess what?
He said, SURE!
So I started to blabber off in English. And I came to a point when I revealed that identity I had in me. I started talking in Singlish and I was pretty amazed he didn't stop me and rather joined in. =) PHEW! I was talking to someone who finally totally understood what the hell was I talking about.
He was so nice and patient and so darn sweet that I didn't want to put down the phone. And oh ya, he remembered my name when I only mentioned it once! At the starting of the phone call. And he said bye to me with my name! hahas. I was thinking too much. But well I couldn't help it cause it was the first time I met such a nice customer service operator who said bye like BYE! instead of a dying bye...
And he asked for my number. heehee. for registration purposes! So sad! Lol. But who knows? I used to do it while I was working. Asking questions I wanted to know about the customer and telling him it's for the paperwork or survey when he asked why. Geez.
HELLO! wake up! No la..but he really made my day with that nice voice of his and being so patient. Most importantly, he understood me and I could relate it well to him. Maybe it was because we shared the same language but wells, who cares?
And my night sucks! Groans!
My marshie is down with a fever. See la! Missed me too much! Lol. Take care of yourself marshie!
That's for all. I'm still indulging myself with what happened last night! *smiles
i was here at 00:43
Monday, October 10, 2005
It gives me the creeps when people say hi, drop a message or email you when you least expect. I have no idea if it's within me or whatsoever but I just felt that regards sent are so fake!People say hi for 2 reasons. First on the list, they simply needed your help and perhaps wanted to get something out of you. Secondly, they just miss you plainly.
Somehow I still felt that most people they send their regards because they have a favour to ask from you. And I do hate it. Yet, I myself does the same thing. I guess it's in us and we can never ever change it.
I stared at the emails I have right now in my inbox. Some of which I knew what to do with. Loads to update yet I was too lazy to have them typed out. I still prefer the verbal way. Some I have no idea what to do with 'em. Cause I had no idea what to say to entertain their needs.
Some made me too awkward to blurt another darn word. It dawned on me that it's always those that you truely miss that never came or came too slow with the rate ya speeding at.
I have a whole load of dishes yet to be done and a heap of laundry waiting to be cleared. And here I was on my couch with a bit of wine, a bottle of Pringles, gums and tissue papers in front of my soon-to-crash-itself toshi. Wine to make me calmed down, Pringles to destroy my whole damn week of detox, gums to keep my teeth grow healthily and tissue paper to kill the trees.
Today was the third day of great sunshine with the absolute breeze you could ever get after a whole damn 2 weeks of rain and storms. The perfect WEATHER!But I was stuck in front of this protesting toshi for 2 whole days. My sixth sense told me it's going to crash. My nudgy once said my sixth sense was always wrong butI still strongly believe in my instincts despite all those put downs.
To put it in hongtat's terms, my toshi is suffering from erectile dysfunction instead of ejaculations. Oks gals! I'm not being horny. And i don't download or watch pornin case you guys have no idea! So stop judging my toshi is being infected with pornography! I'm still a virgin when so many damn people around me is like..argh! Oks.It just freaks me out!
I promise to get my toshi done here! Right in this darn place using my international warranty. I'm totally distraught but do I have a choice? I don't think so but I guessI do have a choice which was going shopping tomorrow! In exact terms, today! I just pray hard that I could lay my hands on that pair of shoes I've searched for 3 days! It's selling so good that it's only left with those damn big sizes. Blame it on my small feet! Argh!
Staring at my screen the whole day made me learnt something. I do miss my past at some point of time. My Past Tense. But I know it was wrong to approach him again.
Learn to say no. That's how I ended with Future Tense. Yet I still failed my grammar horrigibly and perhaps my vocabulary too. I learnt it the hard way. But am glad on the other hand I saved myself out of it and perhaps one day it could all be revealed. The threats and nightmares ain't going to work are they?
I need my caffeine to drown myself further into my own delusions. To keep myself away from the time that is ticking second by second. Save me.
All so much for some decency.
Yet I'm not a princess willing to leave with a pauper all for that deadly sin.
Love.
i was here at 01:25
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
I'm feeling so much relieved now after talking to my qing fu!Confessions do make lives easier, don't they?
I just feel so much more at ease now after the whole of yesterday, questioning my own actions and thoughts. What the hell was I doing yesterday? I did that purposely, I presume. Perhaps I was just badly in needs. But I'm feeling so much better now, like I've just confessed my sins. And perhaps I wake up to the morning's sunshine overwhelmed with guilt once again.
I don't mean it...I don't mean it...I don't mean it
*stomping
LOL! I feel so much like a kid.
All thanks to my qing fu lo! Flirtatious qing fu! Who dumped his girl for years for another girl! I'm sorry for reading through what's on your mind! But I just felt it...
And I shall give all my support for SI JIE MEI! The 4angels sent down to earth to save devil-y deeds of men!
It's perfectly fine to have flings...to have villas...to go shopping...and of course to pamper yourself!
Love ya gals!
Love Stephanie since they just love their exams!
*hugs
i was here at 23:44
Saturday, September 17, 2005
Silence is what I need.
Peace is what I'm trying to seek.
Nonetheless, I've failed to compromise myself with peace after all these while. Perhaps it isn't just peace that I'm seeking for. It's about recognition, about status, about fame and power. Like just any other, I'm just trying to feed my self esteem and that ego buried beneath that feminine side of a lady.
Standing here at end of the path, I'm 17. 18 soon. It's supposed to be a flourishing age.Where a young girl's blossoming, flaunting what's inside her, beaming with glamour. But I guess, in 2005 A.D.,you'll never expect a young lady in her teens to be as innocent as those during your mum's or perhaps grandmother's period.
If Eve had resisted that temptation of an apple, I won't be able to be sit down here typing this whole thing out in total darkness, feeling utterly confused. And looking so forward to watching the whole season of Desperate Housewives again.And my girlfriends won't be perhaps by his side now praying that this might never end or staying home on a friday night feeling miserable. And all of us won't be wondering at if we're just having delusions.
Desperation.
Hunger.
I'm feeling hungry now. Mac. Cheese anyone?
Silence. Shit everyone with cheese.
Acoustics. Somehow I felt that there's something beyond this word. I woke up feeling desperately in need to resolve this term acoustics. Yet, I'm still not satisfied with the definitions I found out of it.
Words are said in a breeze. Words are said to make others feel better. Words could be said to make one feel happy.Words might hurt in moments of spite. Words might be said out of jealousy.
It doesn't cost to have a flirt.
It's dangerous to have a fling.
It's tiring to have a long term relationship.
And, it costs a bomb to have constant lavish dates.
Which would you choose?
I would go for the first one.
He would go after the second one.
She would pursue that of the third one.
And, I would love to have that last go too.
Is this the only way whereby the 2 of us could communicate?
i was here at 00:11
Saturday, September 03, 2005
If gorging yourself with high calories food makes you feel contented, go ahead with it even though you might have to double up your exercise.If drowning yourself with alcohol makes you feel more comfy at heart even though you know you might have a hangover, go ahead with it even though you might have a hangover.
If going on an unintended shopping spree helps to de-stress, go ahead with it even though you might have to starve for the upcoming weeks.
If speeding helps to relieve that frustration in you, go ahead with it even though you might get a speeding ticket.
If singing out loud signifies that joy in you, go ahead with it even though you might be stared at.
If running around naked might help build up your confidence with you figure, go ahead with it even though people might say ya shameless.
If wearing that top/dress you think makes you feel so gorgeous, go ahead with it even though your friends might start commenting on you.
If hugging him makes you feel more secured, go ahead with it even though he might not like it.
If telling him that you miss him dearly makes you feel so blissful, go ahead with it even though he might not appreciate it.
If spilling your confessions to him is what you've been wanting to do all these years, think thrice before you actually do that, cause you might get rejected.
If you intend to get into a relationship with that platonic friend of yours, think thrice before you actually do that, cause it might be just friendship afterall instead of love.
That's how I felt today.
Sometimes I wondered if my sixth senses are for real. Or are they being drawn up to make me feel happy with the way I wanted things to be. I really hate that idea of guess-what's-on my-mind game. It's nothing but shit, degrading my intelligent brain cells into retarded ones. What's the problem with me? What happened to those promises I made with my image?
Time and distance made me realize my significance. Is that considered good or bad? Good cause it helps boost my self-esteem, make me cherish what I have. Bad cause many things are beyond my control and that we've yet many obstacles to overcome.
Life might seem so much easier yet boring without challenges.
i was here at 20:51
